Author: Joseph Kreydt

  • Loneliness and Presence

    This loneliness, in a world awake, is unnecessary affliction. I run circles around this fearfully imagined lonely future — “it will end like this,” “that is a sign about that,” “she will abandon me,” “he will betray me,” “I will starve.”

    And I wonder why I’m lonely.

    It’s because all that’s real, all that exists, all that is in communion, exists in the present, and all the while I’m seeking it in the past or the future.

    Grace, ever remind me to take three slow breaths, sense and notice the world in the moment, feel the gentle scratch of pencil on paper, and reach out to a friend.

  • Poor in Spirit, Rich in Presence

    To live without recognition, without thought, of the past or the future is to be “poor in spirt” because the present is un-ownable, always being lost. Our only riches exist in some future anticipation or some past memory.

    The more fully we live in the present, the more we are blessed. So don’t be afraid to let go of your worries or regrets.

    You’re afraid because you fear poverty, but poverty is where you will find grace.

    To always live like this seems impossible. But to pray like this, and to pray often, is possible, good, meaningful, healthy.

  • Certainty Only Comes After You Take the Leap of Faith

    What is it that you really want in life?
    Focus on that.
    Focus requires sacrifice,
    De-focusing from everything else.
    Focus requires faith,
    Trusting that focus matters
    And that grace will be there
    When you need it.

    Let go of the outcome,
    And at the same time,
    Stay committed to the path.

    Certainty only comes
    After you take the leap of faith,
    Not before.
  • The Pain is Your Living

    The world wants you
    To be a tool for its use.
    Refuse.

    Hold your brokenness high.
    Your bleeding wounds, lift up.
    The pain, don't trade it for anything.
    It is your living.

    Do not fit in,
    Especially when it costs you money;
    Especially, especially, especially
    When it costs you you.

    Give up every happiness
    To stay wild.

    Give up everything
    To love the one who sets you free.
  • How Will I Breathe?

    what if you stop
    feeling your love for me?

    how will i breathe?
    i will only breathe again
    if i am reborn

    but i want to stay
    in this womb

    but, no, you cannot
    breathe for me

    this fear is meant
    not for your love
    but for a divine one
  • WTF Does “Give It Up to God” Mean?

    First, you must understand attachment and detachment. Desire itself and the thing that is desired are two different things. Detachment is to experience the desire — and all the feelings and thoughts that come with it — separately from the desired thing; to feel desire but not attach it to some outcome.

    Once desire is detached from any object, a strange emptiness is felt. Simone Weil calls this “the void.” Others call it a “God-sized hole.”

    Experiencing the void does not make God come to us, but it opens the door and invites him. With wisdom beyond ours, he decides whether to enter or speak.

    Simply, to give it up to God is to feel the desire but not reason or think about the thing that is desired. In that empty space, wait for God.

    This is difficult to do, even for just a couple minutes. Try. Let it be prayer. You might experience a great deal of peace in letting go of yourself.

    And what of the physical feelings — the trembling hands, the pounding heart, the cramped gut — how do you give those to God? Love in spite of them. It’s not easy, but it is the way.

  • Consent to Reality

    Try listening to every sound while you’re cooking dinner or taking a shower. Don’t add any meaning, labels, or thoughts to the sounds. Just hear them as they are, letting them pass through you. If you do this perfectly, you’ll have a direct experience of reality. Simple yet profoundly difficult. And you might find a great deal of joy in it.

    “People do not realize just how much they are putting at risk when they don’t accept what life presents them with, the questions and tasks that life sets them. When they resolve to spare themselves the pain and suffering, they owe to their nature. In so doing, they refuse to pay life’s dues and for this very reason, life then often leads them astray. If we don’t accept our own destiny, a different kind of suffering takes its place: a neurosis develops, and I believe that that life which we have to live is not as bad as a neurosis. If I have to suffer, then let it be from my reality. A neurosis is a much greater curse! In general, a neurosis is a replacement for an evasion, an unconscious desire to cheat life, to avoid something. One cannot do more than live what one really is. And we are all made up of opposites and conflicting tendencies. After much reflection, I have come to the conclusion that it is better to live what one really is and accept the difficulties that arise as a result—because avoidance is much worse.”

    Carl Jung, from Reflections on the Life and Dreams of C.G. Jung by Aniela Jaffé.

    I think many people misunderstand this advice from Jung. They take it to mean “I should work hard and achieve my goals and kiss the beautiful girl and do what I am driven to do, or I’ll get a neurosis.” But what he’s actually talking about is far less comfortable, far more grounded.

    The problem with viewing Jung’s advice as “live in such a way that you won’t have regrets” or “just be yourself” is that no human on Earth knows how to do that. In fact, following Jung’s advice in that way is a great way to end up with regrets because regrets rarely come from doing something wrong in our past. They come from assuming we actually could have done things better in the past without the knowledge we have gained in the present by doing them badly.

    Instead, Jung was speaking against this very thing. By trying to avoid an inevitable future in which you have regrets (inevitable because you don’t have perfect knowledge of outcomes, or how to achieve them, or what you actually want to achieve), you develop a neurosis that you have to deal with because you didn’t simply sit with the uncomfortable reality that you are a human being who can’t live a perfect life.

    Sitting with the uncomfortable reality; that is really the key here. A bit of wisdom from Simone Weil can help us understand what reality is and why accepting it is so hard.

    In her reflections on gravity (she is referring to a mental/spiritual gravity, not Newton’s gravity) and relationships, Weil suggests that our natural drives try to even scores. If my friend is late, I am bound by the law of gravity to seek retribution — maybe I make him apologize, maybe I keep score to use against him later, maybe I treat him with coldness. Weil calls this necessity. It is necessary for me to seek retribution. Necessity is beautiful, according to Weil. It’s the only reason we should do anything. It’s perfect obedience to the laws God wove into the universe.

    But when it comes to relationships, necessity must be disrupted because humans are free, conscious beings; children of God.

    The disruption of necessity is exactly what Christ was talking about when he said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil.” (Matthew 5:38-39) The law of gravity drives us to seek an eye for an eye. Grace — the beautiful gift of divinity breathed into every human heart — is the ether that enables us to turn the other cheek.

    Grace gives us freedom from our drives. It also makes us unique among all creatures on Earth. We are dust — Earthly things, natural drives, gravity. But we aren’t mere dust. We are dust given form and the breath of God — Heavenly things, freedom from our natural drives, grace.

    My friend was late. That is reality, the unadorned truth. When Jung says, “if I have to suffer, then let it be from my reality,” that’s what he’s talking about.

    The law of gravity, according to Weil, drives me to seek retribution for the injustice of this reality. I am driven to even the score with my friend. For any number of reasons — maybe shame, maybe social stigma — I might find this drive unacceptable, so I ignore reality. I pretend my friend wasn’t late. I adorn the reality with deceptions. And the seed of a neurosis is planted.

    But it goes deeper than that. Our culture seems to think our drives are who we are, and Jung’s writing is too often interpreted in that light.

    When Jung says “one cannot do more than live what one really is,” he doesn’t mean you should follow your drives. He means you should experience your drives. To do that is to be human. But humans aren’t just animals that must obey the law of gravity. We are conscious. We are more than just our drives. We have the unique ability to act against them. We can, with grace, and only with grace, turn the other cheek.

    When my friend is late, I don’t have to ignore that he was late, and I don’t have to seek retribution or lower my opinion of him to even the score. And I don’t have to think of a million reasons why it hurt me, why he doesn’t care about me, why he’s evil, why I shouldn’t be friends with him anymore. That cascade of accusations is called splitting — seeing another person as entirely good or entirely evil. It is a known and well-documented psychological neurosis that comes, as Jung points out, from a refusal to accept reality.

    Instead of splitting, I can accept my friend’s tardiness, not out of weakness or conflict-avoidance, but out of a deep consent to reality. My friend was late. I consent to that reality. I don’t need to explain to myself why what he did was disrespectful or hurtful or immature.

    I desperately want to pile all of this other thought on top of the simple reality. Why? To avoid the pain of the reality. Carl Jung is saying that that is the refusal to pay life’s dues, that is how a neurosis develops. And it is better to suffer by consenting to reality than to suffer by piling a bunch of rumination on top of it.

    If you can spare yourself a neurosis, it is very likely that you’ll also spare yourself regret because regret comes from the same thing: avoiding reality. We don’t spare ourselves from regret by doing everything or making the perfect decisions. We spare ourselves from regret by accepting the uncomfortable reality that we are limited creatures who cannot do everything, who cannot make perfect decisions.

    How do we accept that reality? It’s not always easy. In fact, it may be impossible for us. But perhaps something beyond us can help. As Simone Weil wrote, in Gravity & Grace, “In order to have the strength to contemplate affliction when we are afflicted we need supernatural bread.”

    By grace, allow the pain. It will do its work and then leave you. And you might even find that it has left you with some hard-earned wisdom.

  • Expect Miracles

    An intuition: I worried terribly about the forthcoming affliction of a beloved. I worried and worried as I walked. When the thought, “have faith that God will work miracles,” realized in my mind, a small, yellow butterfly crossed in front of me and fluttered by to my left. I, then, looked to my right and saw another. At no other point on my hour-long walk did I see another butterfly.

    We must always trust that, in God’s time, our longings will be met, our worries released. Miracles happen.

    No matter how certain our worries feel, even when reason confirms their truth, we must have faith. Miracles happen.

  • Riptides, Fears

    tears, tears,
    riptides, fears
    swim parallel
    not toward

    I'd rather swim toward and die
    than lie or try to hide
    the longing in my heart

    intimacy withheld
    is there a deeper hell?

    it doesn't matter that it's a struggle
    my heart is restless 'til it's held

    you, your
    riptides, fears
    hold me away
    unheld
  • Worries and Graces

    You see, these worries are the me of the present — without the graces God can give me in the future — believing I will fail.

    Of course the me of the present will fail at the future task. He lacks the strength God provides, only in the moment, to handle whatever happens — which, by the way, will probably be very different than what I expect.